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《乔治·卡林:人生因失而值》经典影评鉴赏 2020


《乔治·卡林:人生因失而值》经典影评鉴赏 2020

  《乔治·卡林:人生因失而值》是一部由Rocco Urbisci执导。George Carlin主演的一部喜剧 / 舞台艺术类型的电影。特精心从网络上整理的一些观众的影评。希望对大家能有帮助。


  ●Carlin说。今天的美国就是一个big fucking shopping mall



  ●老爷子不穿底裤到处呲尿。还把资本主义美国吊起来凌辱。简直硬核rapper。george carlin, the murderer of modern america.


  ●Crazy old dude..





  《乔治·卡林:人生因失而值》影评(一):SPS字幕组出品 乔治卡林喜剧脱口秀中文全集

  字幕组出品 乔治卡林喜剧脱口秀中文全集 http://tieba.baidu.com/p/2075745181


  第一次在豆瓣加入新的电影。很有成就感。哈哈。其实也不算电影。是个STAND-UP COMEDY SHOW。啥是STAND-UP呢?我习惯于解释为单口相声。


  据说CALIN是想做一个叫I KINDA LIKE IT WHEN A LOT OF PEOPLE DIE的SHOW。结果第一次想用这个名字的时候发生了911事件。名字只好改成了COMPLAINTS AND GRIEVANCES。这一次又想用。结果又发生了KATRINA。结果又没用成那个名字。改成了现在的LIFE IS WORTH LOSING。这个名字是篡改了LIFE IS WORTH LIVING得来的。


  Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.



  。第一段MODERN MAN很适合练听力。如果能听懂的话。英语八级就可以发给你了。嘿嘿。


  Well, I think it is certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess.

  I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior, excessive language, excessive violence.

  It's fun. It's interesting. It's exciting.

  I like it when nature is excessive. That's why I like natural disasters.

  All these natural disasters that have been going on, I fucking love them. I can't get enough of them.

  I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None.

  And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man made. I always hope it gets worse.

  Don't you?

  Don't you have a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse?

  When you see a big fire on TV, don't you hope it spreads?

  Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties?

  You don't root for a fireman, do you?

  I mean I don't want him to get hurt or nothin' but I don't want him putting out my fire.

  That's my fire.

  That's nature showing off and having fun.

  (then George Carlin gave a vivid example .)


  George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

  from http://movie.subtitlr.com/subtitle/show/458622

  Thank you.

  Thank you, thank you.

  Thank you very much.

  Thank you.

  I'm a modern man.

  A man for the millennium.

  Digital and smoke free.

  A diversified, multi-cultural,

  ost-modern deconstructionist.

  olitically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

  I've been up-linked and downloaded.

  I've been inputted and outsourced.

  I know the upside of downsizing.

  I know the downside of upgrading.

  I'm a high-tech low life.

  A cutting edge, state of the art,

  i-coastal multi-tasker,

  and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

  I'm new wave,

  ut I'm old school.

  And my inner child is outward bound.

  I'm a hot-wired, heat seeking,

  warm-hearted cool customer.

  Voice-activated and biodegradable.

  I interface from a database,

  my database is in cyberspace.

  o I'm interactive,

  I'm hyperactive and from time to time,

  I'm radioactive.

  ehind the eight ball,

  ahead of the curve,

  riding the wave, dodging the bullet,

  ushing the envelope.

  I'm on point, on task,

  on message and off drugs.

  I got no need for coke and speed.

  I got no urge to binge and purge.

  I'm in the moment, on the edge,

  over the top but under the radar.

  A high concept, low profile,

  medium range ballistic missionary.

  A streetwise smart bomb.

  A top gun bottom feeder.

  I wear power ties.

  I tell power lies.

  I take power naps.

  I run victory laps.

  I'm a totally ongoing big foot,

  lam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.

  A raging workaholic.

  A working rageaholic.

  Out of rehab and in denial.

  I got a personal trainer,

  a personal shopper,

  a personal assistant

  and a personal agenda.

  You can't shut me up.

  You can't dumb me down.

  ecause I'm tireless and I'm wireless.

  I'm a alpha male on beta blockers.

  I'm a non-believer and an overachiever.

  Laid back but fashion forward.

  Up front, down home,

  low rent, high maintenance.

  uper size, long lasting,

  high definition, fast-acting,

  oven-ready and built to last.

  I'm a hands-on, footloose,

  knee jerk head case.

  rematurely post-traumatic,

  and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

  ut I'm feeling.

  I'm caring.

  I'm healing.

  I'm sharing.

  A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver.

  My output is down, but my income is up.

  I take a short position on the long bond.

  And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

  I read junk mail.

  I eat junk food.

  I buy junk bonds.

  I watch trash sports.

  I'm gender specific, capital intensive,

  user friendly and lactose intolerant.

  I like rough sex.

  I like rough sex.

  I like tough love.

  I use the F word in my email.

  And the software in my hard drive

  is hardcore, no soft porn.

  I bought a microwave at a mini mall.

  I bought a minivan at a megastore.

  I eat fast food in the slow lane.

  I'm toll free, bite size,

  ready to wear and I come in all sizes.

  A fully equipped, factory authorized,

  hospital tested, clinically proven,

  cientifically formulated

  medical miracle.

  I've been prewashed, precooked, preheated,

  rescreened, preapproved,

  repackaged, post-dated,

  freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed

  and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

  I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.

  Lean and mean.

  Cocked, locked and ready to rock.

  Rough, tough and hard to bluff.

  I take it slow.

  I go with the flow.

  I ride with the tide.

  I got glide in my stride.

  Driving and moving.

  ailing and spinning.

  Jiving and grooving.

  Wailing and winning.

  I don't snooze, so I don't lose.

  I keep the pedal to the metal

  and the rubber on the road.

  I party hearty.

  And lunch time is crunch time.

  I'm hanging in.

  There ain't no doubt.

  And I'm hanging tough.

  Over and out.

  Thank you.

  Thank you.

  Thank you very much.

  Thank you.

  Hey, I got 341 days sober

  and next year's my 50th anniversary in show business.

  Let's do a fucking show, huh?

  You know something

  eople don't talk about in public anymore?

  ussy farts.

  o anyway.

  ow I said that on my last HBO show

  and apparently some people

  don't know what a pussy fart is,

  ecause I got some inquiries.

  Here's the deal.

  A pussy fart is like when you're making love to a woman

  who's got a little extra air in her vagina

  and every time you thrust forward,

  it's kind of a...

  (Fart sounds)

  And the two of you are just lying there.

  Each of you is just wondering if the other one farted.

  And the man is usually thinking,

  quot;Maybe she farts when she comes.

  Maybe she took a shit.

  Man, I gotta stay out of that fucking bar".

  Another word you don't hear too often is dingleberries.

  You know you never hear it on "Meet The Press".

  The dingleberry solution, dingleberry gate.


  I think it's because dingleberries

  is one of them words

  you don't say too much

  ast your 10th birthday.

  It's not a grownup's word.

  It's a kid's word.


  It always sounded kind of Christmasy to me.

  Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it?


  quot;John, you might want to hang some dingleberries

  over the front door.

  Then when Maryann comes over,

  he can kiss you under the dingleberries."

  quot;It is to be devoutly wished

  that she would kiss me

  under the dingleberries."

  Cornhole is another word you don't hear enough.

  You don't hear that nearly enough, you know?

  It's a good word.

  It's a solid word.

  It's a tough word.

  It's a man's kind of word.

  It's got a masculine sound.

  It's like shotgun

  and ash can and tow truck.


  Everything's been sanitized now and cleaned up.

  First with these fucking Christians.

  You just start with them.

  You know.

  I'm so, you know.

  That's just one, wait a minute now.

  Yeah, you know.

  Let's not leave out these

  C campus liberal assholes.

  I mean they're just as fucking bad

  from a different direction.

  ut everything's different.

  Everything's been polished up now.

  It's anal intercourse.

  Anal rape.



  ow I'm a big fan

  of the prime time crime shows.

  I like all of them pretty much.

  You know, I like "Law & Order"

  and all the spin-offs of that.

  I like "CSl"

  and all of those spin-offs.

  Yeah, because they're forensic shows.

  You know.

  And I'm just waiting for one night to be sitting there

  watching one of them shows

  and then the chief medical examiner

  turns to the lead detective and says,

  quot;Steve, looks to me like after they killed this guy,

  the perpetrators rolled him over

  and cornholed him about 30 or 40 fucking times.

  Look at that.

  That there is a posthumous,

  multiple cornhole entry wound".

  In prison it's a social activity.

  Yeah, it's right up there on the bulletin board.

  Checkers, handball, cornholing.

  ow, just to change the subject a little bit,

  do you realize,

  do you realize

  that right this second,

  right now,

  omewhere around the world

  ome guy is getting ready to kill himself.

  Isn't that great?

  Isn't that great?

  Did you ever stop and think about that kind of shit?

  I do.

  It's fun,

  and it's interesting and it's true.

  Right this second

  ome guy is getting ready

  to bite the big bazooka.

  ecause statistics show that every year

  a million people commit suicide.

  A million.

  That's 2800 a day.

  That's one every 30 seconds.

  There goes another guy.

  And I say guy,

  I say guy

  ecause men are four times more likely

  than women to commit suicide.

  Even though women attempt it more.

  o men are better at it.

  That's something else you gals

  will want to be working on.

  Well, if you want to be truly equal,

  you're going to have to start

  taking your own lives in greater numbers.


  ut I just think it's interesting to know.

  Interesting, that's a big word in this show for me.

  Interesting to know that at any moment

  the odds are good

  that some guy

  is dragging a chair

  across the garage floor,

  trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam,

  wouldn't want to be too far off center.

  If it's worth doing,

  it's worth doing right.

  omewhere else another guy's going over

  and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer.

  omebody else is opening up

  a brand-new package of razor blades.

  Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit,

  you know.

  quot;Oh, shit.

  It's always something.

  Goddamn it, fuckin shit."

  I just think that's an interesting as hell.

  That's probably the most interesting thing

  you can do with your life,

  end it.

  I don't think I could do that, though.

  Could you?


  I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

  ut I understand it, you know.

  I think I do.

  I don't wonder about it.

  I don't wonder, Well, why did he do that

  and, What was going through his mind.

  You know what I wonder,

  Where did he find the fucking time?

  Who's got time to be committing suicide?

  Aren't you busy?

  I got shit to do.

  uicide would be way down on my list.

  robably down past lighting my own house on fire.

  I might want to try a little self-mutilation first.

  You know, take a couple of hunks out of my arm.

  ee if I like the general idea.

  ecause you've got to have priorities, man.

  You know.

  And you've got to have a plan, too,

  for something like that.

  You've got to plan that shit.

  eople just don't run out the house

  and jump off a bridge.

  There are things you have to decide.

  Timing is important.

  When you're going to do it.

  quot;Well, let me see now.

  Wednesday's out.

  Got to take Timmy to the circus.

  quot;Survivor" is on, on Thursday.

  Friday I got my colon cleansing.

  The folks are coming over on Sunday.


  y God, that'd be just the thing.

  Maybe mom will find my body.

  erve her right for fucking me up the way she did."

  Then you have to pick a method.

  How you're going to do it.

  quot;Well, let me see now.

  Afraid of heights, that's no good.

  Can't swallow pills.

  Don't like the sight of blood.

  Fucking oven's electric.

  I'd lie down in front of a train,

  except the Amtrak ain't coming through here

  in 30 goddamn years.

  Maybe I'll just take a gun

  and shoot myself in the mouth.

  uppose I miss?

  eople will be laughing at me.

  uppose I live?

  I'll have a big fucking hole in my head.

  I'll have to wear some kind of dumb-ass hat.

  Well, I guess I'll just hang myself.

  That'd be good.

  Gotta get a rope.

  Oh, shit, it's always something.

  I got a rope in the garage.

  It's got a lot of grease and paint on it.

  Don't want to get that stuff on my neck.

  Wal-Mart's having a special on rope this weekend.

  o sense spending a lot of money to kill myself.

  Then again, I can always put it on my credit card

  I'll never have to pay the fucking thing.

  That's it then.

  I'm hanging myself

  and Wal-Mart's paying for it.

  What's next?

  The note.

  Oh, Jesus.

  I got to express myself.

  Hell, if I could express myself,

  I wouldn't be thinking of doing something like this.

  Where's a pen?

  I can never find a pen.

  Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone.

  Goddamn kids.

  I ought to just kill them, too.

  Make it one of them family package deals.

  Here's a pen.

  I'll just jam it into my fucking neck

  and get it over with.

  Let's see now.

  Where do you put the date?

  Upper left?

  I can never remember that.

  To whom it may concern.

  ounds kind of impersonal.

  Dear Marzel.

  Leaves out the kids.

  I know.

  Hey, guys.

  Guess what?

  Keep on reading.

  How are you?

  I hope you are fine.

  I am not fine.

  As you can no doubt tell

  from me hanging here from this ceiling fixture.

  You are the ones who drove me to this.

  I was doing just fine

  until you fuckers came along.

  I hope you're happy now that I'm goddamn dead.

  igned, the corpse in this room.

  .S., fuck you people."

  Yeah, good enough.

  That would be a good note.

  I don't think a writer could ever commit suicide.

  Do you?

  A writer would be too busy

  working on the note all goddamn year.

  Trying to get it just right.

  First draft, second draft, third revision,

  whole new ending.

  Finally, he'd turn it into a book proposal

  and have a reason to live.

  That wouldn't work.

  I think about stuff like that.

  It's interesting to me.

  Like I said, certain things are interesting.

  uicide's interesting.

  Life is filled with interesting things.

  That's why I could never commit suicide.

  I'm having too much fun

  keeping an eye on you folks.

  Watching what you do.

  Human behavior.

  That's what I like.

  Humans do some really interesting things.

  Like besides killing ourselves,

  we also kill each other.


  And we're the only ones who do that, by the way.

  We're the only species on earth

  that deliberately kills members of our own species

  for personal gain

  or pleasure, sometimes it's just fun.

  We're also the only species

  that deliberately kills members of another species

  for personal gain or pleasure.

  That's what hunters do.

  They kill for pleasure.

  That's us.

  Human beings.

  Interesting folks.


  Here's an interesting form of murder we've come up with.


  You know what's interesting about assassination?

  Well, not only does it change those popularity polls

  in a big fucking hurry

  ut it is also interesting to notice

  who it is we assassinate.

  Did you ever notice who it is?

  top to think who it is we kill?

  It's always people who've told us

  to live together in harmony

  and try to love one another.

  Jesus, Gandhi,

  Lincoln, John Kennedy,

  obby Kennedy, Martin Luther King,

  Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon.

  They all said, try to live together peacefully.


  Right in the fucking head.

  Apparently, we're not ready for that.

  Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us.

  We're too busy sitting around

  trying to think up ways to kill each other.

  Here's one we came up with,

  it's efficient, too.


  You know, killing large numbers of people

  imply because they don't look like you,

  they don't talk like you

  and they don't have the same kind of hats you do.

  You ever notice that at any time you see two groups of people

  who really hate each other,

  chances are good

  they're wearing different kind of hats.

  Keep an eye on that.

  It might be important.

  ut any time there's genocide,

  there are always mass graves.


  Every time we kill some dictator

  and go marching through his country,

  we always find mass graves.

  Thousands and thousands of dead bodies

  of people the dictator killed.

  And everybody over here gets horrified.

  quot;Oh, mass graves, mass graves oh."

  Well shit, what's the guy suppose to do

  with a couple thousand people he just killed?

  Dig separate holes?

  Fuck that shit.

  It's labor intensive.

  Get real.

  The whole idea of killing a large number of people

  at one time and one place is convenience.


  Thrown 'em in the fucking hole.

  Look at it this way,

  at least the dictator had the decency

  to throw a little dirt on them.

  Give the guy some credit.

  The dictator's a busy man.

  He's got a lot on his mind.

  Like trying to figure out who's planning to kill him.

  o he can pick them up,

  ut them in prison and torture them.

  There's another one of our interesting,

  heart-warming behaviors we come up with

  omewhere along the way.

  Torturing each other.

  You want to hear a really cool torture

  that the Romans invented?

  They also used it as a form of capital punishment.

  It's really creative.

  They would take the guy in question,

  tuff him in a burlap sack,

  eal the sack up real tight

  and throw it in the river.

  ut, and here's the creative part,

  inside the sack with the guy,

  they would put a dog, a monkey and a snake.


  A dog, a monkey and a snake.

  That's fucking creative.

  Imagine being inside a burlap sack

  under water, in the dark,

  itting next to a drowning monkey.

  Think he'd be moving around a little bit?

  The dog would be going ape shit.

  We know that.

  And the snake?

  Well, he'd probably be getting curious

  about what all the activity was inside the sack.

  He might do anything.

  Whatever he did,

  it would probably involve venom and his teeth.

  You know what you'd be doing?

  You'd be praying to God

  that the snake bit the monkey

  and the dog ate the snake.


  Yeah, then...

  Then it would be just you and the dog,

  man and his best friend

  drowning together.

  Maybe before you die,

  you can teach him a few tricks.

  Roll over and play dead

  wouldn't be too difficult, would it?

  Just a thought,

  just a playful thought.

  y the way, I assume you're noticing

  that all these activities I'm mentioning,

  murder, torture, genocide,

  these are all things human beings do.

  ot animals,

  those creatures we feel superior to.

  This is us.

  Here's another one of our

  iritually uplifting activities.

  We don't do this one much anymore,

  ut it use to be really big.

  Human sacrifice.

  I miss that.

  The Aztecs loved human sacrifice

  and they were good at it.

  Well, they got a lot of practice.

  For instance, right around the year 1500,

  the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people

  in one ceremony.


  80,000 people in one ceremony.

  You know what the occasion was?

  They were opening a new temple.

  othing like religion

  for a little entertainment, huh?

  Especially that old time religion.

  You know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing?

  Here's how they did it.

  They would do it right out in public.

  Right in front of everybody.

  ig town.

  eautiful city square.

  20, 30,000 people looking on.

  They would take the guy,

  lay him on an alter,

  cut his chest open,

  ull his heart out,

  hold it up in the air while it was still beating.

  Got that?

  Cut his chest open,

  ull his heart out and hold it up in the air

  while it was still beating.

  You know what you call that?


  That is fucking theater.

  And although the procedure

  may have been a little too crude

  to be considered the first bypass surgery,

  it could easily be seen as

  an early form of organ donor program.

  The Aztecs, human beings just like us.

  ot too long ago, 500 years.

  Columbus had already landed.

  This is just south of here.


  And by the way,

  those hearts didn't go to waste.

  Did not go to waste.

  ecause right after the ceremonies,

  the royal family, naturally,

  would enjoy another one of our amusing activities,


  Imagine that.

  Chowing down on another human being.

  You got to be all out of beef jerky, man.

  You got to be really fucking hungry.

  ut it happens, doesn't it?

  It still happens to this day.

  A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness,

  run out of Pop-Tarts,

  you got to eat something.

  Might as well be Steve.

  And how do you decide who to eat first?

  How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack?

  Do you pick on the little guy

  ecause he's skinny and he can't fight back?

  Or do you all gang up on the body builder

  ecause he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?

  These are things human beings have to consider.

  One more of these charming diversions of ours,


  ow there's a hobby for you.

  Fucking a corpse.

  It takes a special kind of guy.

  Don't you think?

  ut it happens, it happens.

  More than you might think.

  It happens among humans.

  Animals don't do that.

  Animals don't fuck their dead.

  A rat will do a lot of gross things,

  ut he will not fuck a dead rat.

  It wouldn't even occur to him.

  Only a human being would think

  to fuck someone who just died.

  We got to be the most interesting critters

  on the planet.

  And then we wonder why a UFO

  doesn't just land and say, hello.

  You know the best thing about necrophilia?

  You don't have to bring flowers.

  Yeah, usually they're already there.

  Isn't that nice?

  It's nice.

  It's convenient.

  Human beings will do anything.


  I am convinced.

  That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq,

  it didn't bother me.

  I took it right in stride.

  A lot of people here were horrified.

  quot;Oh, beheadings, beheadings."

  What are you fucking surprised?

  It's just one more form of extreme human behavior.

  esides, who cares about some

  mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma

  who gets his head cut off?

  Fuck him.

  Fuck him.

  Hey, Jack, you don't want to get your head cut off?

  tay the fuck in Oklahoma.

  tay the fuck in Oklahoma.

  They ain't cutting off heads in Oklahoma.

  As far as I know.

  ut I do know this,

  you strap on a gun

  and go strutting around some other man's country,

  you better be ready for some action, Jack.

  You better be ready for some action.

  eople are touchy about that sort of thing.

  And let me ask you this

  while I have you good, clean Americans here.

  This is a moral question, not rhetorical.

  I'm looking for the answer.

  What is the moral difference

  etween cutting off one guy's head

  or two or three or five or ten

  and dropping a big bomb on a hospital

  and killing a whole bunch of sick kids?

  Has anybody in authority

  given you an explanation of the difference?

  I have not gotten an email on this.

  o one will talk to me.

  I haven't gotten a postcard,

  ot a fucking instant message, nothin'.

  ow, in case you're wondering

  why I have a certain interest and fascination,

  let's call it,

  with torture and beheadings

  and all of these things I've mentioned

  is because each of these items

  reminds me in life,

  every time one of them occurs,

  it reminds me over and over again

  what beasts we human beings really are, you know?

  When you get right down to it,

  when you get right down to it,

  human beings are nothing more

  than ordinary jungle beasts.


  o different from the Cro-Magnon people

  who lived 25,000 years ago

  in the Plasticine Forest

  eating grubs off of rotten logs.

  o different.

  Our DNA hasn't changed substantially

  in 100,000 years.

  We're still operating out of the lower brain.

  The reptilian brain.

  Fight or flight.

  Kill or be killed.

  ow, we like to think we've evolved and advanced

  ecause we can build a computer,

  fly an airplane,

  travel underwater.

  We can write a sonnet,

  aint a painting,

  compose an opera.

  ut you know something?

  We're barely out of the jungle on this planet.

  arely out of the fucking jungle.

  What we are is semi-civilized beasts

  with baseball caps and automatic weapons.

  And this civilization of ours

  that we're so proud of,

  this civilization with its so-called civilized behavior,

  you ever stop and realize

  how fragile all this is?

  How fragile the whole structure,

  how easily it can all just break right down,

  just break right down.

  It wouldn't take much.

  It'll probably happen in less than two years.

  It wouldn't take much

  to throw us right back into barbaric times.

  All you'd have to do

  would be eliminate electricity.

  That's all.

  ut completely.

  Eliminate electricity.

  o, no electricity, no lights.

  You're back to candles and lanterns.

  Campfires and bonfires.

  atteries couldn't be recharged.

  Generators couldn't be refueled

  ecause fuel is pumped electrically.

  o is water, by the way.

  o no lights, no fuel, no water, no computers.

  And computers run everything.

  And among the many things computers run

  that operate on electricity

  are all of the security systems

  in all of our jails

  and prisons and nut houses.

  o suddenly without electricity,

  all across America

  the gates and cell doors

  of penitentiaries

  and mental institutions

  would fly open

  and out would come all of our old friends.

  The ones who've been away,

  at camp.

  erial killers,

  mass murderers,

  felony rapists,

  armed robbers,

  car jackers,

  home invaders,


  urglars, kidnappers,

  adists, pedophiles,

  exual predators, pimps,

  ushers, pornographers,

  eed freaks, crack heads, sick junkies.

  All the ethnic street gangs.

  lacks, Spanish and Asian gangs,

  Japanese Yakuza,

  Russian Mafia,


  white supremacists,

  icilian hit man,

  Italian mobsters,

  Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs.

  And those are just the ones we caught.

  Lets not forget their counter-parts

  till on the outside right now

  waiting to hook up with their prison buddies

  o they can start a new organization,

  The American Federation of Sociopaths.

  Just what the country needs.

  Another special interest group.

  Eight to ten million of them there would be.

  Counting all the parolees

  and all the probationers

  and the ones who've never been caught.

  Eight to ten million

  itter, angry, violent,

  exually hyperactive alpha males

  with nothing to do.

  o hobbies.

  o medication.

  o scruples.

  Just a bunch of bad guys

  looking for a good time.

  Maybe dropping by your house.


  Hope we're not intruding.

  Got any beer?

  Oh, good.

  Well, I got about 1400 really thirsty guys here.

  How about women?

  Got any women?

  Oh, just your wife, huh?

  Well, I think we can make that work.

  ow boys, there's a lady here.

  o I want you to mind your manners

  and wait your turn."

  olice wouldn't help you.

  They'd be gone at the first sign of trouble.

  They'd be home protecting their own families.

  o would the Army and the National Guard.

  You'd be alone.

  You'd be on your own.

  You'd be S.O.L. And J.W.F.

  hit out of luck and jolly well fucked.

  hit out of luck and jolly well fucked.

  After a couple of years of living like that,

  eheadings would be the least of your problems.

  eople would be lining up to be beheaded.

  o let's get back to suicide,

  which now seems like a reasonable alternative.

  uicide is an interesting topic to me

  ecause it is an inherently interesting decision.

  To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore.

  It's profound.

  You know what it is?

  It's the ultimate makeover.

  That's why I think it belongs on television.

  In this depraved culture we live in,

  with all of these reality shows.

  uicide and television will be a natural.

  I'll bet you I can have

  an All-Suicide Channel on cable TV.

  I'll bet you.

  hit, they got all golf.

  What the fuck, huh?


  You ever watch golf?

  You ever watch golf?

  It's like watching flies fuck.

  If you'd get a bunch of brainless assholes

  insisting on waste a Sunday afternoon

  on that kind of shit,

  you know you can get some people to watch some suicides.

  All day long,

  24 hours a day

  othing but suicides.

  Must die TV.

  You'd get a lot of people watching that shit.

  You'd get a lot of people

  volunteering to be on there, too.

  Just so their friends can see them on TV.

  eople are fucking goofy.

  You'd get a lot of volunteers.

  You'd get all them leftover assholes

  from "Let's Make a Deal".

  They'd be lined up around the block

  ushing each other out of the way,

  utting on funny capes and caps and hats

  and makeup and calling themselves Captain Suicide.

  Guys would be competing for most unusual method.

  eople would be jumping off of silos,

  lighting themselves on fire,

  utting rat poison on a taco,

  drinking Mop & Glo,

  ticking moth balls up their ass.

  You'd probably have some weird fuck show up

  who'd figured out how to kill himself

  with dental floss and a stinger missile.

  eople are fucking goofy.

  I'd bet you could find you a married couple,

  in this country, shit.

  I'll bet you,

  you could find a married couple

  in one of them trailer parks or something

  who'd be perfectly willing

  to sit in a loveseat

  and blow each other's heads off with shotguns

  while a love song is playing.

  eople are fucking nuts.

  This country is full of nitwits and assholes.

  Do you ever notice that?

  Oh, my goodness, yes.

  Oh, my goodness.


  itwits, assholes,

  fuck ups, scumbags,

  jerk offs and dipshits.

  And they all vote.

  They all vote, yeah.

  In fact, sometimes you get the impression

  They're the only ones who vote.

  You can usually tell who's been doing the voting

  y looking at the fucking election returns.

  Man, it sure ain't me out there

  wasting my time

  with a meaningless activity like that.

  You know those people on the "Jerry Springer Show",

  those are the average Americans.

  Oh, yeah, believe me.

  elow average can't get on the show.

  Can't get on.

  elow average is sitting home

  watching that shit on TV,

  getting ready to out and vote,

  filling out their sample ballot.

  eople are fucking dumb.

  You can say what you want about this country,

  and I love this place.

  I love the freedoms we used to have.

  I love it.

  I love that.

  I love it when it didn't take a fucking catastrophe

  to get us to care for one another.

  I love the fact

  that we're on camera all the time

  from all angles.

  ut, you know, you can say what you want about America.

  And I say I love this place.

  I wouldn't have it any other way,

  wouldn't live in any other time in history

  in any other place.

  ut say what you want about America.

  Land of the free, home of the brave.

  We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers

  floating around this country.

  Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know.

  ow, obviously that doesn't include this audience.

  I understand that.

  You seem intelligent and perceptive

  ut the rest of them,

  holy jumping fucking shit balls.

  Dumber than a second coat of paint.

  ow, this ain't just ranting and raving.

  This ain't just blowing off steam.

  I got a little evidence to support my claim.

  It just seems to me

  eems to me,

  that only a really low IQ population

  could have taken this beautiful continent,

  this magnificent American landscape

  that we inherited...

  Well, actually, we stole it

  from the Mexicans and the Indi.


原文标题:《乔治·卡林:人生因失而值》经典影评鉴赏 2020

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